2/9

because i couldn't conceive
baby showers;
celebrating the arrival of the baby,
were a tough thing for me

once the baby is born
i was fine
but i just couldn't handle
that anticipation, that particular happiness
it made me too upset,
it reminded me too much of what i could never have,
so i never went

at this point,
so many years later
(well really only 10 since i stopped hoping)
i figured i'd be fine
and i was
but there was still a twinge of lost
desire
there was still a sadness