split
2/12
i've felt this way and i've had this image for a while now. i've taken others like it and even posted one, but i held on to this because i knew today would come and that i would need it.
i used to talk all the time in therapy about "going through the looking glass", it was an easy code word for referring to my version of reality, it was a place i would go to just like alice. later on it became more a metaphor for the way i was feeling; it described a spacey kind of disconnected but centered state that I would fall into, wander around in and come out of; very good for being in the studio.
today these two aspects: the sense of place and the feeling quality merged into a new awareness. something became much more specific and i could see how distinctly i am living two lives simultaneously, without either one having more weight than the other. it is as if i have gained a sort of perspective, as if there is a third me looking at the these 2 selves and it is very scary, scary because i am no longer clear which is more "real". is one of them going to win and will that define some sort of sanity vs insanity? or am i going to be able to maintain a balance between the two and walk that very thin line?
i think that if i couldn't recognize that i have been dealing with this, subconsciously, in the studio all along i might just bolt back into "reality", but somehow, seeing it mapped out for me, i feel as if i am protected. i do know however, that if i want to stay in this place, it is going to require that I be completely honest about what is going on, every tiny step of the way.
i've felt this way and i've had this image for a while now. i've taken others like it and even posted one, but i held on to this because i knew today would come and that i would need it.
i used to talk all the time in therapy about "going through the looking glass", it was an easy code word for referring to my version of reality, it was a place i would go to just like alice. later on it became more a metaphor for the way i was feeling; it described a spacey kind of disconnected but centered state that I would fall into, wander around in and come out of; very good for being in the studio.
today these two aspects: the sense of place and the feeling quality merged into a new awareness. something became much more specific and i could see how distinctly i am living two lives simultaneously, without either one having more weight than the other. it is as if i have gained a sort of perspective, as if there is a third me looking at the these 2 selves and it is very scary, scary because i am no longer clear which is more "real". is one of them going to win and will that define some sort of sanity vs insanity? or am i going to be able to maintain a balance between the two and walk that very thin line?
i think that if i couldn't recognize that i have been dealing with this, subconsciously, in the studio all along i might just bolt back into "reality", but somehow, seeing it mapped out for me, i feel as if i am protected. i do know however, that if i want to stay in this place, it is going to require that I be completely honest about what is going on, every tiny step of the way.
