4/28
staying in the light

it kind of surprised me when i realized that this had become a priority for me. even though it has been years now since i have lived for great lengths of time inside of a very dark space, i suppose i looked on that shift as a more of a blessing than a choice.

now that it's conscious, now that i have chosen to own this, it becomes more difficult; now the work begins. there is responsibility involved; the responsibility to not drift back into old patterns, the responsibility to the momentum of change, the responsibility that comes with accepting a gift.*

i am not even sure exactly what i mean when i say this: "stay in the light"
but i feel it has something to do with letting go of ego, letting go of old habits, baggage, all the comfortable places one can retreat to that might be miserable but familiar: blame, guilt, resentment, being the victim.

i still believe that you have to use the really difficult emotional stuff to get a clue as to where you need to heal. that you must allow the pain to guide you to those first woundings. if you don't, you will find yourself repeating the same patterns until you are willing to grow.

but i also am realizing that you can choose to live with joy and beauty and light as being the defining moments, even if you must find them in the silver lining of a devastating experience. for me, that's not the story my ego is used to hearing, but it's the one i want to tell.


(*sidebar: oh i see now...duh)