1/10

i felt it coming yesterday:
the collapse
i have been going for too long without "feeling"
riding high on "doing"
that always ends in a crash

i have lost connection again
there have been too many unrealized deadlines

i had given up projecting when we were going to move in
but i was able to do that because i believed i could at least move in to my studio
it was supposed to be habitable by my birthday
but this isn't going to happen
and losing that hope
that reality
has severed something
and unhinged me

i hated the house today
it symbolises loss at this point
not hope
and i am terrified to find out who i have become
after these last 2 years