original text


chained
by animus on November 7, 2004
Location: ...
11/07

so it feels like this now
just held together but really quite seperate
our conversation last night was so bizarre
so one-sided, so ungrounded that it was kind of the icing on the cake

with the silence that started on10/13, something broke inside of me
i have been waiting to see if it would heal, but it hasn't
yesterday cracked it even further

i know that this is the end
but i can't tell you right now
you are not hearing anything that i say
at the moment i don't matter

we have been here before
i know it will pass
i hope i am wrong; but i believe it will be too late

you will ask: "why didn't i say something"
why?
because there is just too much conflict in my life right now and it would be a struggle to get you to hear me
the struggle would be worth it if i still believed in us, but i don't.

it's funny, i say i need to be alone and you say that you need connection.
but in reality i thrive on the little communications between us, the pictures, the messages, not the endless phone calls actually; i find those tiring, but just the littlest evidence that you are thinking of me makes me smile and can carry me through an entire day.

you however seem to go to these places where contact with me is an intrusion. you say everything is the same with you, i have to take your word for that because intuition and a certain agressive defensiveness tell me otherwise. but at any rate, the effect of these withdrawals on me diminishes my belief in us and i guess they have happened one too many times.

i am posting this here, now, because i want it date stamped, i want it very clear in the future that this was not hindsight, that this is real

it was a dream
i am awake.