12/21

so i am at my brother's
the cat crisis is solved
the lost luggage came on the next flight
i am beginning to get lulled into the holiday spirit

i go to do my watercolors
and its not there...
the paintbox i have spent 2 days making
carefully picking colors i will want
supplementing what isn't in the box with little tubes
sometimes when i go away
i just grab whatever i have been working with in the moment
and pray it does the trick
sometimes it does
often it doesn't
but this trip i wanted to be sure
wanted to give myself every chance to really paint if i felt like it
and now
that is gone
completely gone

there is no way to duplicate this
no amount of money can fix it
there is no way i can replace that box

after 6 months of feeling
as if every time i look up
i see something else from my life that is missing
the only thing that has remained constant is the water colors
the process of painting every day
and that has been threatened too
(have i even addressed that here?
the trauma of my journals and getting new ones made???)
but i have taken that in stride
and tried to proceed
and now
i can't

it feels like self sabatoge
as if i am trying to prove to myself that my life can't be different
unless i am really, really hard on myself
i will fuck up

i have made a commitment to change
this is really being tested.

(nb
i do find an inexpensive box
and buy $200 worth of paint
it's not the same
but it's an attempt)