12/21

i did it with the best of intentions,
2½ hours sleep,
but the best of inttentions

i tried to leave with a minimum of fuss;
i dropped one whole project
i didn't email any change of address/phone numbers
even though mail forwarding is becoming sporadic
and there is no phone listing for me anywhere
even though it is, after all, the holiday season

i tried to leave with a positive attitude
one of family
and fun
and holiday

i tried to leave my anxiety behind

so i am settled in on the plane
and go to sleep
only to awaken
an hour later
with a full blown panic attack:
i realize that i have left without giving the cats any water...

they have a baby sitter
he's coming within 8 hours
but that's not quite the point

the thing i care most about in the world
is making sure my animals are all right
and i have failed

in my attempt to reduce stress
i have dropped my guard
and allowed the unthinkable to happen
and this confirms for me
that there is no solution
no way out
of this hyper-existence that i lead
i will never be able to relax
or if i do
i will destroy everything that is dear to me

in my attempt to leave my troubles behind
i have insured they will come with me
wrapped up in a big package of guilt

(nb
by the time the luggage had arrived,
the baby sitter had been contacted
and at least i know that the cats will be fine)