5/1

i was looking at this stuff today
trying to figure out why i save things
like this strange piece of ply
with these old door findings attached to it
it has very little grace
or beauty
but it was put together by the realitor who sold me the loft
as a house warming gift
it touched me then
that she would make this for me
but over the years it has served as a touchstone to my feelings
about reaching adulthood
buying a home at that very early age
thrust into that position by my father's death
and i remember the unreality of it,
the sense of adventure
and the knowing that i had left a part of my life behind

i am afraid
that without these things
this accumalation of "stuff"
i will lose access to my memories
and to my feelings
and that eels wrong
especially in the studio
where i try to work from a feeling place
but often have so much trouble
getting there