4/22

so,
i originally planted
purple hyacinths
and
deep pink tulips
on smudge's grave
to come up together
because
i love that combination
but
they don't

and
while oski lies
beside her to the left
i have planted nothing for him

i hope i will be able to
but
between the memories
of our adventures together
in the garden
and
the deep connection the garden has for me to my mother
i am overcome with grief
every time
i make an attempt
to plant
or
to weed
or
to even be there