1/31

or what the silver lining turned out to be...

so (clearly) last night i sank pretty low, it was the case of the last straw:
the one thing that had been keeping me going during these past months when i haven't really been painting was a belief that instead, i am setting up for the next phase of my life, laying the ground work for a time & space that i can devote totally to my work.
and i have been feeling that i am doing a good job of this,
well last night i discovered that i had made a rather stupid and irrevocable error concerning finances.
it's not that i lost that much money, it's that i lost a great opportunity
this just kind of wiped me out
and down i went, convinced it was a spiral that i was destined to descend with.

this morning, honestly wasn't much easier though i tried to put into perspective what really mattered to me.
and then something else happened (out of my control) that i could have taken as confirmation of this down turn
and instead i said fuck it
and went into the studio to work on the random thoughts series, which i haven't been able to do in months

and i believe i wouldn't have been able to do this if i hadn't gotten to such an extreme place,
where i felt as if i had been telling myself lies to make the best of the hurdles i was facing
i wouldn't have needed to confront the bare truth which is I HAVE TO PAINT unless i was forced to
and i was forced to, by the fact there was no place else to go, i had hit a wall and my only choice was to turn around and confront what i was running from
so i just dropped everything i was doing
and started painting out the lies that i have been telling myself.