10/15

it just seems to be one thing after another
i originally thought i would put my studio on the 3rd floor to get the maximum light

then i decided that was too far from my storage in the basement
and too difficult to carry everything upstairs all the time
and why torture these beautiful bedrooms into a studio space?

so i decided to build out into the garden
which seemed like a great idea, i'd have easy access to painting outside, easy access to my storage and even a feeling of "going to work"

today i realized that while it won't ever be dark, it will always be the darkest room in the house, it's the first floor in the back.
and that just doesn't feel compelling to me.

i don't even know if it is legal or not, but all of a sudden i started thinking about building a seperate studio at the end of the garden, the sunniest spot...

that has its problems too:
storage not easily accessible
daunting in the winter
no cats
MUCH more expensive
smaller

i am very confused and not very happy

sometimes i believe that you have to fight for what you want
but when do you say:
"the writing is on the wall"
or
"nothing should be this difficult"
or
"clearly this just wasn't meant to be"

i am worn out from fighting
worn out from this endless up hill struggle
worn out from twisting myself into a pretzel to make this work

how can something i love so much,
that makes me feel so comfortable
be so wrong?