12/9

sometimes i wonder
when i really have nothing to post
if i should just give this a break
let it all break down
all my structures
all my supports
even my daily practices
to see where i end up

but i am too scared
too scared of what that baseline low might be
too scared that it would really mean
that i have given up on myself

on one shoulder is that little voice saying
"hold on to this, don't let yourself go"
and on the other
is a whisper
"you have to be willing to lose everything to go further"

which has the wings?
which sports the horns?

judging from the effect
that getting rid of "almost everything"
has had on me
i am not sure i trust that i could let go of these rituals
that i see as being the underpinnings of my sanity

yet this will forever cause me to wonder
if not taking this leap
is the very limit
that i have self imposed
on my own growth