9/16

there has been virtually no work on the house for 4 weeks
and it looks like there is 3-5 months left to go
i can't even describe what this feels like
well,
this picture basically does

(pause)


omg

pulling up the image from last year
reading what i wrote then
after writing what i just wrote above
is like a knife in my heart

my last show was over 2 years ago
when i finished that work it went right out to the gallery,
and there it has stayed...

i saw it hung,
but i have never lived with it,
i never had the last part of the experience of making it:
being with it, understanding it, absorbing it
that is gone now
that part of the process never happened for me
and it never will

now
looking at these,
makes me realize that it happened again
with this whole last set of random thoughts
that i've never been able to experience them either
never been able to understand them as a group
never been able to process the process
this is such an important part of making work
allowing the energy that you've put out
to come back to you slowly
so that you can use it to get to the next place
and i keep missing that step
yet expect to be able to go forward
and build on what i have learned

all this stuff that i've made
that has just gone into boxes or storage
i've never had the chance to just be with it
no wonder i feel so jammed
it's an awful, awful feeling

this image describes that too
the black hole that is sucking everything out of me