2/22

a few months ago
i had a "difficult moment"
it was horrendous actually

i didn't winter my amaryllis bulb correctly
in fact
i had done nothing,
just left it in the pot
not even in the dark

this year
i received another

it's pot/planting needed some attention
and when i had successfully done that
i decided to cut back the dead growth
on my bulb from last year
to see if anything was going on

i snipped a little too cavalierly
and much to my shock and horror
i discovered it had indeed begun to sprout
and i had snipped off the top

i was sure i had cut the bud
and i was devastated
at having destroyed this gift of life
that i had been given
despite having done nothing to ensure that it could bloom again

i took it as an omen
a bad sign for the new year
and a confirmation of all that was wrong with me

over the next weeks
it continued to grow
with its savagely mutilated tips
and eventually i came to realize
that what i had cut were the leaves
and the bud was just emerging

i was cautiously optimistic
that as anemic as the poor bud looked
it still might bloom

and
so it has

strangely i am having a hard time rejoicing
i appreciate it
and the fact that things aren't always as they seem
but the level of relief
and the confirmation of hope
does not come close
to the devastation and dismay
that i originally felt.