1/15

this one's a strange one

fotola is really the only place i have ever recognized my birthday
i suppose it's because,
of all my on-line presences
fotola feels most like home to me

but being so sick after 2 weeks away
has made it so i have not been able to catch up to today
on "daily bread" and "the other side"
which is why i am making a little note of it here;
because
somewhere,
somehow,
i have to acknowledge it

in actuality,
it feels as if my birthday is on hold
at least publicly
i was hoping that i would be able to have some sort of combined house warming/birthday event
but since renovation hasn't even begun,
that's clearly out

but that is what would feel right to me
the house symbolizes something
a sort of transformation,
a transition into the next part of my life
and a grounding of everything
from having a home again
to having a garden
to having a studio,
which equals having my life back
in terms of the outside world,
i don't feel able to celebrate without this

my birthday has always been my new years
this year even more so
the 31st was so totally low key,
in spite of having brought ½ a case of champagne down to mexico
there was none at midnight,
come to think of it,
i didn't even have a glass of anything to toast with
come to think of it,
we didn't even acknowledge midnight in the time zone we were in
we did it when the ball dropped in times square
so
my birthday will definitely be my new year
and even though i have been on this path for a while
it will symbolize the commitment to the changes i am trying to make in my life
and one of those changes,
is to stop doing things
just because everyone thinks i should
i truly feel i am sick
because i did something i knew i couldn't
and it stressed me to the point where i was too vulnerable

today i will paint
i will have a massage
i will drink a lot of champagne
and eat a lot of caviar
and when it's time
at some point in the future
i will have a party