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and it seems to me
that this part of the journey
is going to be about unlocking myself from some pretty core beliefs

(the story goes something like this:
"in order to survive,
in order to achieve anything
you must push yourself constantly
of course this is painful
it is necessary to be in pain
in order to live
in order to grow")

somehow i need to come to the understanding that my attributes,
my qualities,
my self,
exist independent of the pain
that these things are part of me
with or without the trauma of that belief system

and somehow
i need to be able to cast off this legacy
that is keeping me in such a dark & dire place