5/9

i know things are really heading south when i start thinking i am going to have a bike accident. what this translates into is that i need someone to take care of me, but unfortuantely my life isn't set up that way, i am always the caretaker so i guess that means i have to step up to the plate.

often i find that the only way i can confront things is to make a sort of game of it. that's a large part of how i deal with the studio: create all these rituals and projects that i must engage in and before i know it... i'm working.

so to deal with this anxiety business, i foraged among my collection of blank books till i found one small enough to cart around and the rules are: when i feel anxious i will stop, time-stamp and commit to paper, everything that i can think of that might be contributing to the anxiety. it doesn't matter how often i repeat the things i list, the point is to just record and observe them.

already i see a pattern: it is part "to do" list, part "wish" list and part how i perceive i am being seen by others. basically this says to me that what makes me anxious is stuff over which i have no control or stuff over which i have lost control.

so... does lack of control makes me anxious? this would make sense: for the past 6 months i have been struggling with what i have come to perceive of as living in a dual reality. there is no question that when i am in the "real" world, control is a major card in my navigational deck. but lately i have inhabited the other side of the looking glass where it doesn't carry too much weight.

i see my struggle right now as having to create more of a balance between these two worlds while keeping it weighted in the alternate reality sphere. ergo the anxiety; inherent in that decision is giving up this (somewhat false) sense of control that i have armored myself with, this seems to leave me somewhat naked and very anxious.