12/31/04

ritual is such a huge part of my life,
for years i began every new journal on the 1st
even if it meant writing pages of blather to fill one up
or holding off making entries until a new month began

so an end at the end of the year
holds huge significance for me
it seals something in a way that is beyond my control
it makes it seem right not wrong
almost as if it were predestined,
as if to intefere would upset some cosmic balance.

i wish i didn't have these superstitions sometimes,
but they give me a sense of order,
provide some comfort,
reinforce my beliefs
even as they imprison me

it's not how i wanted it
it feels ugly and cruel
does that make it easier to say good bye
maybe in the long run
certainly not now.

as for me,
i feel as if i have done everyone a huge injustice,
i've said yes when the answer was no,
i've said no when it might have been yes
and everyone has lost
but i will lose twice

it's hard to wake up to flowers when your dreams have shattered