2/24

and on a practical level, i will find a solution,
it will cost a lot more than i thought i was going to have to spend but that's neither here nor there.

the problem is right now
the problem is my being able to work.

i have been very aware of the fact that over the past year i put the sanctity of my studio at great risk.

i have acknowledged so many times how grateful i am that i didn't lose it, that the container was strong enough to support the hole that was created as a result of my vanities.

but this bond, this connection, this sense of safety has been at its most fragile, at a near breaking point for some time now and it does not seem to have been able to withstand the impact of today.

at another time it might have, at another time i would have slipped into the comfort of "the other side" and chalked it up to yet another reason why i don't live in that world.

but this option seems to have vanished,
i can't get in there,
i can't cross through the looking glass,
i am shut out in the cold,
my paintings are like silent strangers
and i really don't know what i am going to do.