9/15

today
i lost my belief in something precious to me
something that i had come to rely on
something that i saw as a major part of my support system
while the fact that it probably has been gone for some time now
has been a fear for a while,
the reality of it hit me pretty hard

this feeling of devastation is not because
all of a sudden, on account of this loss
i have realized how important it was to me;
it was always something that i was grateful to have in my life
it's just that having to acknowledge the extent of my delusion
means confronting how much i need from others
and how far i will go in convincing myself that my needs are being met

and it means facing how differently i view things from other people,
even those to whom i feel closest
and it means facing how lonely that is.

but these issues are a large part of what i am facing now in my life
so perhaps this couldn't have happened at a better time.