1/08

well that was a shock;
to be thrown back into a space where i lived for so many years
as if no time had passed;
have my reaction be so immediate and so intense
have it feel so horrible and so scary

i was able to observe myself respond
but
i wasn't able to change my response

i have to give myself credit,
for the most part,
over the past 6 months
i have changed the way i would have reacted years ago
i have dismantled defenses
and i have learned to trust more

but this was too big for me
too deep
too threatening
and now i am locked into something
and it's going to be about finding the keys to get out