10/23

and it feels like it is somebody else's life
but it's not
it's mine
and i have to figure out how to start living it

spoke to one of the architects today
i guess my first choice,
well, after being made to wait this long
what with other projects in the works, cold weather and the holidays,
construction won't start till the beginning of march
this is almost unfathomable to me
to not feel as if things are really going to happen for another 4 months...
and then only have 4 months to complete ALL the work, that doesn't leave anytime for fuck ups

i am looking so hard for something that will allow me to believe
but i have spiraled into a place where i can't find it

at the very, very least i usually can rely on my physical strength
but after a week of dealing with my back in a questionable state
even that is gone