1/19

in meditation today the lump came
i was empty
except for it
hanging from my throat
over the years i have tried
to chip away at it,
comfort it,
make friends with it,
give it a name,
call it my sister,
melt it,
liquify it,
smash it,
dissolve it,
rip it out of my chest,

today i saw it explode
on its own
into a million tiny diamonds
which
when they landed on the ground
sprouted into flowers
almost like tulips
almost like the painting i made the other day

this is a sign.
a sign that says:
somehow,
i am on a right path
and that just like the vertigo,
the lump might disappear one day
it will seem like it's over night

but it won't be,
it will be as a result of all the efforts that i have made over the years
it's just that this result,
will make itself known all at once.

at first there was avoidance
i started thinking about anything and everything else
but then
when i focused on it i cried
and panicked a bit;
because there was both fear and relief when i realized how it could transform

and i am scared of that too i think,
of realizing that there might be bliss...
how will i be in that situation
who will i be without the lump to cripple me,
it seems free
but very scary