1/10

i do things to try to stay connected
i put things in place to get me through
not always consciously

really they start as a passion
that sometimes i need to keep alive
through difficult times
by continuing the activity
even if i can't touch the feeling

like posting here:
i don't "see" anymore
i barely take pictures
but somehow
i continue to post
day after day
because i don't want this side of me to die

i don't "feel" anymore
but i make my watercolors every day
because i don't want that side of me to die

when i had to pack up the loft
i created my own private hell to get me through
i transformed that deconstruction of my life
into the process of documenting it
and it allowed me to finish that task
without getting totally crushed

and instinctively,
when i began the renovation
i started blogging it
(i don't believe i've ever linked to it here)
and that was helping me stay on course
taking the emphasis off of the horror
and putting it on to the creation

with all of my community work
i haven't been able to keep up posting there
but it turns out that g/ isn't comfortable with it anymore
with the house being so exposed
so the reality is
i can't continue it

the other reality is
without that
the renovation is getting the better of me
without that anchor
which i had put in place
everything is falling apart