4/22

so it's back...

everytime in therapy
that i mention it in the past tense
there is an assumption
(on the part of the therapist)
that it is gone
there is some hopeful sense
that we have vanquished this demon
but that is never the case
on the contrary
it simply seems to be one of my attributes
that at times
my sensitivity
taps into what i have come to refer to as
the pipeline to all the grief in the world
and for some reason
it just wants to flow through me

and i am most vulnerable when i go to paint
when i try to let down my defenses
when i just want to "be"

so while i am not sure this is a "bad" thing
it isn't a "fun" thing
and it's certainly not an "easy" thing
so sometimes it is really hard to get into the studio
and sometimes it is really hard to stay in the studio

today i found a way out by coming up with a new project

oh, btw
that shirt is evidence that oil paint does corrode cloth
you do have to size/prime your canvas